You’re doing sexy resolutions wrong

What are you hoping for in your sex life in 2025? Are you looking for more sex? More SEXY sex? Hoping to increase your libido or intensity or frequency of your orgasms?

These are all admirable - and common - goals in the new year or any time. They’re also broad, vague, and unlikely to be achieved without a better understanding of the actions required to achieve them.

Just like a goal to “run a marathon” won’t happen overnight, neither will a goal to “have better sex.” Instead, we need goals like “establish a training plan,” “develop a consistent running practice,” and “get running shoes that work for me.”

I propose a re-framing of your sexy resolutions. Read the list below, and pick one or more that resonate with you. The idea is to identify the action steps you’re most excited for, or that most address a need you know you have.

Instead of “have sex more often,” try:

• Make a list of the reasons sex is important to me

• Identify priorities for my time, and where sex fits on my list

• Identify where I can create time in my week to have sex and be consistent in having sex during this time at least X times each month

• Schedule sexy time with my partner on a regular basis, and stick with it

Instead of “improve my libido,” try:

• Research the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, and create opportunities for responsive desire (see: schedule sex)

• Explore new media (porn, erotica, fantasy) and observe what I respond to

• Identify sexual “green lights”/turn-ons and “brakes”/turn-offs and make plans to increase the former and decrease the latter

  • Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great resource for this

Instead of “have better orgasms,” try:

• Masturbate more often, experimenting with different turn-ons, types of touch, and toys

• Notice all of the non-sexual opportunities I have to focus on sensation (during meals or hobbies, on walks, in active listening, etc.) and work to be present with these opportunities

• Learn how breath and orgasm can work together, and practice breathing techniques during masturbation and/or partnered sex

  • Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas is a great resource for this

• Examine the role that diet, stress, and medications can have on orgasm, and make changes as I can

Pick a few of these options - or create your own - and see how they support your sexy life in ways large and small.

Don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t perfect; use “imperfection” as a tool for being more accepting of yourself and your partner(s). Remember the old adage: don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. In sex, as in life, change doesn’t happen overnight. And sexy change should be FUN, not punitive.

Looking for a “crash course” in improving pleasure? Check out my FREE 7-Day Pleasure Challenge below.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!