If I came, I came RIGHT ON TIME!

I remember seeing video of a comedian a while ago - I think it was Chris Rock, but I could be wrong - who, when commenting on women’s frustration with how quickly men often orgasm, noted that if he comes it’s RIGHT ON TIME. And he got a lot of laughs and applause.

But we put a lot of real pressure on women to come quickly or not at all, and nobody thinks it’s funny. Instead, women are trying to figure out what’s wrong with them, how they can fix this problem of taking too long. If they’re lucky, their partners are trying to identify ways to improve their skills to help things along. (If only it were that easy. And didn’t cause a bunch of undo pressure. “Is it working? How about now? Are you close?”)

Probably even more often, women are resigning themselves to infrequent orgasm and accepting this as the natural order of things. Maybe they’re faking it too, because they know it won’t happen on anyone else’s timeline, and it’s not worth the pressure.

This sucks. And obviously doesn’t contribute to women wanting to have sex more often. It’s just another moment in their day when someone is making a demand of them - to physically provide pleasure for a partner without expecting reciprocity. Who can blame women when getting an extra hour of sleep or being able to mindlessly scroll a phone is the more attractive option? At least in either of those cases, they get a moment’s peace.

If men enjoy sex so much, why the rush? Shouldn’t they want more time to do the things they like, not less? So why not encourage their female partners to slow down, savor, and relish the slow burn?

That’s an honest question, and one I regularly pose to men when I’m coaching straight couples. If men really enjoy sex, I think it’s fair to expect them to be open to any number of things that will make it more likely to happen with the women in their lives. Maybe they need to compromise on lighting, or pace, or what kind of touch they employ. None of these things should be a heavy lift if the true goal is more frequent sex. In fact, these things CONTRIBUTE to the goal of increased frequency.

I suspect that men, like women, have been conditioned to devalue true pleasure and awareness for the moment. Most people - of any sex - aren’t savoring anything on a daily basis. Not a meal, not a good glass of wine, not a few moments of sunshine on a walk, certainly not the touch of a partner. In that context, sex means orgasm, by any means necessary and as quickly as possible.

We deserve so much more than this. Men AND women work hard enough, and that work isn’t going anywhere. Deep, connected sex is radical. It pulls us out of the productivity and “go, go, go” mindset that prevails at every other moment of the day. Women deserve to enjoy it, and men deserve the deeper connection and true pleasure that taking their time can bring.

I encourage women to insist on what will make sex something they’ll enjoy. And I encourage men to get curious about what they don’t know about what the women in their lives want from sex. Ask the questions, and then get into action about the answers.

This is much more likely to lead to increased sexual frequency than whining, demanding, or guilting will. No surprise when we put it in those terms!