How do you masturbate?

Here’s a true story that would be embarrassing if I didn’t hear essentially the same thing from women every day.

When I was a kid and just getting curious about masturbation, I only had one trick up my sleeve: the old “in and out.” My definition of sex, which was closely tied to my understanding of what made someone a “virgin” or not, was penis in vagina penetration. I had never heard of the clitoris. I didn’t know what queer sex was. I’m quite sure I didn’t even know the word foreplay.

So I did the only thing I knew about. In out, in out. I felt practically nothing, and was very confused. What’s all the fuss about? Penetration on my own felt no different than using a tampon. A happy accident and some well placed - fully clothed! - friction a few years later would provide a surprise introduction to clitoral stimulation and orgasm.

Now, like most of us, penetration is not the main event during my solo sex. So why should it be the main event during partner sex? Especially partner sex that we consider focused on mutual enjoyment?

The clitoris is analogous to the sensitive glans (or “head”) of a penis, but it’s a lot more than what we see on the surface. Highly innervated and erectile tissue extends deeper along both sides of our vulva, and is the primary source of sexual stimulation for most (cis-gendered) women. Vaginal orgasms may exist for some, and penetration may enhance the enjoyment of external stimulation, but most of us will orgasm most consistently and intensely if clitoral stimulation is the star.

I’m no longer shocked by the number of women I treat and coach who have stopped having sex because of a partner’s erectile issues, or “bad knees.” I’ve also stopped being surprised when an otherwise very sexually aware and evolved woman specifies that she “can’t have a vaginal orgasm” when I ask about orgasm generally.

There is absolutely no reason that vaginal orgasm should be privileged over other types of pleasure and climax. Prioritizing penetration perpetuates sex that is for men’s enjoyment, and for straight people who are seeking more sexual freedom and creativity it is also majorly heteronormative!

I bet you already know all of this if you think about it. I bet that, like me, your solo sex has evolved past the old “in and out.” What do you enjoy when you’re alone? How can you bring that to partner sex?

And if you DON’T know what you enjoy, either because you don’t practice solo sex or haven’t found enjoyment from it, start there! Give yourself some time, grab some media (video, erotica, racy thoughts) that excites you, and see what you discover when you focus on the parts that we know are designed for pleasure.