A better world starts in the bedroom: gender equity

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how sex and intimacy relate to the bigger political and social climate in America right now. The election of Donald Trump and the policies and attitudes of the right in general aren’t exactly pleasure-focused. . . Especially when women’s very bodies have become a site of political debate. We’re watching multiple waves of feminist struggle crumble under a regression toward white male power. None of it feels sexy, and it makes sense that there’s a lot of talk about celibacy and boycotting sex with men as a way of trying to regain some of our bodily autonomy.

There’s nothing wrong with celibacy and withholding sex as a political strategy, and I support it wholeheartedly. But if that’s not your jam, sex with the right person (or by yourself) can also be a place of radical physical expression and a refuge from the oppressive messaging we get in the “real world.”

I’ll be writing a few posts in the near future about the bedroom (or wherever you’re having sex) as a place where we can resist gender oppression, capitalism, and a politics of fear and repression. First up, gender equity.

Equity and equality are not the same thing. Equality says we all get the same thing, equity requires that each person gets what they need to level the playing field. Someone in a historically marginalized position may get “more” than someone with relative privilege, because they NEED more to achieve the same goals. For example, someone from a wealthy family might not need a loan to start a business, but someone who doesn’t come from money will benefit from extra funding in order to be able to compete in the same realm.

In bed, whether we like it or not, women are often in a position to “serve” men. Stereotypes about female versus male desire paint men as the aggressors/initiators and women as the ones who take too long or are too tired. In that context, if straight people are having sex at all it might make sense for women to, for example, provide a quickie that satisfies the man involved and frees her up to get back to better things sooner rather than later.

But as I’ve said many times, anything we want to do, you don’t have to convince us to do.

Feminist men, men who believe in equity, men who love the women they’re with, have a chance to put their money where their mouth is - maybe literally even! ha! - to have honest conversations with their partners about what she’d actually look forward to and how he can partner with her to make it happen.

A client of mine recently told me that she doesn’t look forward to sex with her husband, even though “he’ll give me really long massages.” Really long massages sound great to ME, but if they’re not getting her in the mood then they’re not worth a whole lot for HER or her desire. It’s her responsibility to get to know herself well enough to know what she likes, and to be vulnerable enough to communicate it. And it’s up to her husband to be curious about her wants, to engage with her wants without judgement, and to do his part to make them reality.

When we identify our authentic desires beyond what we think is acceptable for men or women, what is “feminine” or “masculine” enough, we’re putting gender equity into practice. We’re affirming that despite everything society and politicians have to say about it, women aren’t just vessels for baby-making. Women are unique, nuanced human beings worthy of expressing their desire in ways that bring joy and connection to their lives. When the (cis-gendered) male sexual partners of women take the time to ask questions and understand how to be equitable lovers, they’re putting their values into action.

Beyond all of that, can you imagine the fun sexual scenarios that could come from all of this? Goddess worship, mutual androgyny, gender bending, and power plays that turn “masculine dominance” on its head sound like a much better time than another hour spent watching the news.