Expand your definition of gender, expand the creativity of your sex life

A friend recently turned me on to an opinion piece in the New York Times titled “The Problem With Saying ‘Sex Assigned at Birth.’” In the article, a philosopher and an evolutionary biologist - two people whose credentials definitely imply they know a thing or two about a thing or two - argue that “sex assigned at birth” is inaccurate, because sex is immutable. One either has a vagina, or a penis, end of story. According to the authors:

“Despite the confusion sown by some scholars, we can be confident that the sex binary is not a human invention.”

It’s true that a biological sex binary - male and female - is not a human invention. It IS an act of willful human ignorance, however. The complex soup of hormone and gene expression (and environmental influences) that results in the primary and secondary sex characteristics of any of us mean that there are actually about 20 different “sexes.” Differences of sex development (DSD) occur in 5 to 170 cases per 10,000 live births in the world and can present in many (again, about 20) ways. A very small penis, an enlarged clitoris, partly fused labia, testes in “girls” - these are just some examples. Some presentations of DSD are present at birth, others reveal themselves at puberty. The “fact” of a sex binary is anything but. And this is to say nothing of how hormonal differences may affect those parts of us that aren’t visible.

Still, I don’t disagree that understanding a person’s sex is helpful to the individual and to medical providers in determining health risk factors. It also has relevance in intimacy coaching; anatomical differences may inform how someone feels about using their genitals during sex and might influence the practices that that person finds the most physically stimulating. Beyond that, knowing someone’s sex is about as relevant to a stranger as knowing if someone is circumcised, or how they groom their pubic hair. (Read: sex is your business, maybe your sexual partners’ business, and that’s it. For others to be invested in it is, frankly, weird.)

GENDER is a different beast entirely. Gender is largely a social construct, especially when we consider that sex is not truly binary. Gender is often popularly considered an expression of sex, but it is a much more complex concept, influenced a bit by biology perhaps, but also significantly influenced by societal norms and expectations (“nature versus nurture” and probably more than that, too). 

I remember the first time I saw a classmate of mine, someone I thought was a “girl,” playing with Matchbox cars with boys in first grade. This struck me. Am I allowed to do that? I wanted to, but could I? Or later in elementary school, on a family trip to Bar Harbor, Maine, I saw someone who looked female with armpit hair. What does that mean? As it turns out, it doesn’t have to mean anything. Some people like playing with cars, some people like body hair. Some people like make-up, some people like dance. We’ve collectively decided that some of these traits are masculine or feminine, but those traits may or may not have any relationship to what is between their legs. 

It’s wild to me that the NYT op ed could talk about the authors’ disagreement with the term “sex assigned at birth” without making any mention at all about gender. At one point, they reference “gender reveal parties.”

“The New York Times reported on the new fashion for gender-reveal parties, ‘during which expectant parents share the moment they discover their baby’s sex.’”

Exactly. A gender reveal party isn’t a thing - no one can know what their child’s gender expression will look like until that child is born and raised to some degree in society. Gender reveal parties are actually SEX reveal parties; does this baby have a penis or a vagina? And in that regard, they also fall short. What if this baby has neither a penis nor a vagina exactly? Or both? 

Sex can’t be changed without medical intervention. Gender can change every day, every hour, every minute if we like. And when we begin to accept that, we can also begin to accept that we are not bound by any gendered expectations of us that don’t feel right. It might be hard to conceive of that in public spaces, where we’re vulnerable to the judgment of others who aren’t yet educated on the basics of sex and gender. The bedroom (or the kitchen or car or anywhere else) are great places to begin to explore these ideas in the safety of solo play or with a trusted partner. 

What does that exploration look like, exactly? At a basic level, it releases us from expectations about dominance or submission. But it also opens us up to a whole wide world where we can pursue our desires, curiosities, likes and dislikes free from what is expected of us as male or female, or masculine or feminine. Queer relationships often already understand and practice this; everyone has a chance to be freer and more fulfilled right now.