An open letter to busy women, especially those in relationship with men
You deserve to feel good. More than that, you deserve PLEASURE. The joy that comes with having your senses so engaged, that the rest of the world disappears for a moment. You don’t have to do anything more than you’re already doing to deserve this pleasure. It is your birthright, and doesn’t require you to give anything of yourself.
It doesn’t matter if you work 9-to-5 for a paycheck, or if you do other labor for no paycheck at all. It doesn’t matter if you spend every other waking hour in service to your kids, your partner, your family. Nor does it matter if you’re nailing your goals, or living up to any expectations around your productivity - at home, in your work, or anywhere else.
It doesn’t even matter if you have no idea what GIVES you pleasure. With the demands on your time and attention - whether perceived or real - it is understandable that your pleasure has been the last thing you’ve thought about. Or not thought about at all.
And really, it’s only your business what kind of pleasure you pursue so long as you appreciate that your days are numbered, as all of ours are, and so should not be spent doing things you loathe with or for people you don’t necessarily like.
I’ve worked plenty of jobs I hated, for people who saw me as a means to their ends but expected me to make their success my number one priority. And with only ONE exception, I can’t even remember any of these people’s names. I’m pretty sure that when I take my last breath, that last name will be erased from my memory, too.
I’ve also been in relationships that were happy enough, but where my pleasure wasn’t even a topic of discussion, much less a priority. I’ve had amiable companionship that didn’t transport me, didn’t provide any glimpse into what kind of freedom and joy could be found in the pursuit of mutual pleasure. I don’t regret those relationships, but I think I would if I knew better and still didn’t seek out the real deal.
Now I do know better. Now I won’t settle for anything less than pleasure. And though I’m happy to be partnered in pleasure now, I know it’s worth it to seek pleasure solo instead of missing it with someone else.
Do you know better? And if you know better, what are you doing to make your pleasure a priority, and to be sure that the people around you do, too? (And how do you foster pleasure in others, especially if you have a role as someone’s boss, partner, parent, friend?)
Of course my bread and butter is sexual pleasure; I think it’s one of the few places where adults can create imaginative play and gleeful wonder. For free!
But if sexual pleasure seems one - or many - steps too far from where you’re at today, what other pleasure can you find in your day to day?
Can you savor a delicious meal or a glass of your favorite drink? (Don’t underestimate icy cold water on a hot day!) Can you enjoy the feeling of the air on your face when you walk to the mailbox?
Can you feel the physical relief in your body when you finally lie down for the night and can take a few breaths for yourself? (If not, start there at least!)
Pleasure should not be available only to those with extra time, money, resources. It shouldn’t be something that must be deferred until you get a new job or your kids are a bit more grown or your partner finally agrees to therapy.
You deserve pleasure. All kinds of pleasure. Today.